For a long time, I’ve repeated the same message to everyone I meet—clients, friends, family, colleagues: “You need to love yourself.” I believed it to be the answer and a starting point for the way to heal the wounds we carry. But I didn’t realise that even though I could say it so easily, living it was a different story.

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Loving others always came naturally to me, but something was missing when it came to loving myself. I couldn’t help but wonder why I struggled with and what made it so hard. It took me years to realise the answer was hidden in how I had been conditioned to think about myself. The truth is, I was trapped by something that had been with me since childhood—my belief system.

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What is a Belief System? You might not realise it, but we all have belief systems fundamentally shaping how we see the world and ourselves. From a young age, we are told who we should be, what is right and wrong, and conditioned to know what is expected of us. These beliefs come from our families, caregivers, culture, society, education, religion, government and media. They become so ingrained in us that we stop questioning them. We think they are just “how things are.”

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But these beliefs don’t always serve us well. They often stop us from developing our own identities, stifle our authentic expression and hold us back from seeing our true worth. They tell us how to live and who we should be, and in the process, they teach us to silence the parts of ourselves that don’t conform or fit. Those beliefs made me feel small, unworthy, and like I didn’t matter as much as everyone else.

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Beliefs That Kept Me Stuck

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Here are some of the beliefs I grew up with that shaped how I saw myself for most of my life:

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• Always turn the other cheek
• Children should be seen and not heard
• Always respect your elders, no matter what
• Only weak people cry
• Stay in your cultural box
• Always be kind, avoid conflict
• Your career should make money, not happiness
• Family comes first, no matter the cost to you

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These beliefs taught me that my voice did not matter, that I had to put everyone else first, that I should always be respectful and cordial even if it meant letting others walk all over me, and that my worth was tied to how much I could sacrifice for others. These beliefs kept me trapped in the idea that I had to earn love and that loving myself was not as important as making sure others were happy.

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Challenging Those Beliefs

I finally realised that my core belief system was at the root of my inability to self-love and knowing that this ‘conditioned belief system’ underpinned everything I had based my life and identity on was profoundly overwhelming. How could I possibly undo years of ingrained thinking? At first, I thought I needed to completely rewrite everything I had ever been taught, but I quickly understood that wasn’t the right approach. My beliefs, even though they were damaging and restricting, had become a part of me. Trying to erase them would only make things more confusing. In the end, they still carried some truth.

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Instead of erasing them all, I decided that maybe I should only tweak them a bit and let go of the beliefs that do not serve me anymore. I questioned these beliefs, examining them from a different perspective. Did I really need to always turn the other cheek? Or was it okay to stand up for myself when I wasn’t treated respectfully? Could I still love my culture while also being open to learning from others? Was it possible to put my family first while also making space for my own needs?

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I began to see that self-love isn’t about rejecting everything we’ve been taught; it’s about reclaiming our right to matter. It’s about allowing ourselves to exist as we are without constantly trying to live up to impossible standards or others opinions of who we should be.

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The Struggle We All Share

If you’ve ever felt like you weren’t enough—if you’ve ever looked in the mirror and wished you were different, more intelligent, prettier, more successful—you’re not alone. We all carry this quiet ache inside, this feeling that we are somehow inadequate. But that feeling isn’t the truth. It results from years of being told we’re not enough and believing we must be perfect to deserve love.

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Self-love is about accepting ourselves as we are, with all our flaws, imperfections, and messiness. It’s about looking at ourselves with the same kindness we offer others. I love my family and friends for their vulnerabilities—so why do I hate myself for mine? Why do I expect perfection when I know that being human means being imperfect?

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The Journey Begins

Starting this journey toward self-love hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to unlearn the beliefs that told me I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t worthy, that my voice didn’t matter. I had to let go of the idea that sacrificing my needs made me a better person or would make others love me more. I had to realise that loving myself didn’t mean loving others any less—it just meant that I mattered, too.

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What’s been most challenging for me is that I don’t regret loving others so profoundly; I have so much love to give, but I regret not loving myself in the same way.

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Here’s the good news: It’s never too late. This journey toward  self-love is one we can all take. It’s about recognising that we deserve to be here and are worthy of love—not because of what we do for others, but simply because we are.

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You don’t have to be perfect to love yourself. You have to be willing to try and meet yourself exactly where you are. And that’s where the journey begins.

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